Revising Poetry-a Demonstration Part Eight: Revise, Get Feedback, Revise Again

Revise

After looking at all my redrafts, I made a few more changes to my poem and was about to upload it to Scribophile, when I saw that in this version the poem read in couplets. Here is the version I uploaded to Scribophile for critique:

Cleaning All the Dirty Dishes

An impression arrests fruit flies in kitchen sinks full of ideas
frozen mid-irritation, like tinnitus introducing dizzying, swirling vertigo

after the ground falls away, my arms and my dress fly above my head
my pinky toe the stoical point, stepping out of the spiral my view telescopes

to his sweat on her body behind the bale
as if finally finding the source of wafting, permeating decay

Contentment empties glue of flavor and steals scissors of artistry
but constant irritation and itching desire keep me in motion

juggling stomach stones, insatiable hunger clacks and clicks
what indelible marks will topple to the tongue?

With nothing I’ve left, clean of any sticky coating
the bridge burner can’t choose to turn around

Refreshment wriggles among the moles under the tent of solitude
having vacated the house with ideas, but left the kitchen sink to fruit flies

fleeing obscures crackling and smoke, suffering the charred frame
his erasable touches won’t last past the first rain

the dark, fresh-earth tunnels adumbrate curious spaces for thought
where scraping, not smoothing, may nourish new understanding

The Feedback

The first two critiques I received said I should work on the punctuation in the poem. Though I disagreed with the example suggestions, I did find the suggestion interesting. So playing with some more punctuation is a note for the next revision.

I was also offered an interesting word replacement. A reader suggested using “inducing” instead of “introducing” vertigo. My original idea was that tinnitus is like the arresting impression because it acts like an announcer, an MC at an event introducing the next act, announcing the star entertainer, Vertigo, hushing, stilling the crowd in expectation and respect. Though I like the word “inducing,” tinnitus doesn’t exactly “induce” vertigo, they are both separate symptoms. Maybe I want to play around with MC Tennitus and capitalize Vertigo, or look for a different word than “introducing” to clarify my idea.

One critique suggested that the flow from the kitchen to the tent of solitude is unclear which opened my eyes to re-arranging stanzas. And another critique mentioned the distance of the point of view at the beginning not drawing the reader in.

Revise Again

Based on the encouraging and constructive feedback I received from readers on Scribophile, my revision plan is:

  1. Read aloud, paying close attention to pauses and breaks thinking about punctuation
  2. weigh each word and ask if there’s a better one
  3. try the stanzas in different orders for narrative flow
  4. Try more intimate, closer opening

The Final Comparison

Original / Final (revised after critique)

Conclusions

This series of posts on revising poetry has been a great experience for me. I finally got my head around meter and its vocabulary after trying many times before. I love the tools and resources I collected and all of the poems and poets I discovered along the way.

Exploring my poetry revision process with you has opened my eyes to the endless possibilities for redrafts. One of the important revision steps after reviewing a poem is to decide which redrafting techniques will most improve the poem.

I found this great article by Suzanne Langlois: Poetry Revision Bingo, and designed a bingo card for myself with my redrafting techniques in the squares.

Next Steps

Inspired by The Practicing Poet: Writing Beyond the Basics edited by Diane Lockward, I have turned my attention to creating a poetry collection. I hope you will join me on my adventure as I explore my themes, and share what I learn, as I put together and submit a poetry manuscript.

The hummingbird is a close relative of the swift, but a swift can also be a lizard or a reel for winding thread.

Oh, the tiny things photograph by Maria L. Berg 2021

Today at the dVerse Poetry Pub the Quadrille prompt is “swift.” Because I had been bird watching this morning, I thought I would give this 44 word poem a try. Then I started looking at swift’s definitions and synonyms (like I do) and found the noun definitions very interesting. The birds that are called swifts are closely related to hummingbirds and are also the cave bird in Asia that make the nests for nest soup.

A very vocal hummingbird started hanging out in my cherry-plum tree this winter. He’s always trying to show off by making a loud, sharp chirp. I don’t know how well he’s doing, but I’ve seen three hummingbirds looking at each other in my tree recently. I love that he perches at the tip of the very tallest branch, attempting some minuscule dominance.

Swiften

tiny
humming-
bird, a swift’s
closest relation, chased
from his perch in the cherry-plum’s
top branch by three sparrows wanting, but he’s not gone
a snappy chirp and he dive-bombs, headlong, a kamikaze at breakneck,
dispatches the intruders and poses, prominent against the clouded sky


Surprised he’s a redhead photograph by Maria L. Berg 2021

Pondering Possibilities

I felt inspired by dVerse poets pub’s Quadrille prompt today to ponder possibilities. My quadrille came to me almost complete (short one word) in the shower.

Imagination’s Playground

The imaginative life
is a playground of possibilities

until all the door and windows
are locked and the bed
is on fire

then there are only two possibilities:
to dance or to cower

and soon there is one:
to face all the unimagined possibilities

#Writober 2019 Day 9: Sight

sight

                                                                                                           photo by Maria L. Berg

#OctPoWriMo

Today’s OctPoWriMo theme is Eyes or What do you see? I wrote a post about vision back when I started this blog and did a series on exploring the senses.

A sight

What a sight
a sight for sore eyes
a vision
out of sight
out of mind
in the mind’s eye
or the eye in the sky
the eye is on you

Look
and you will see
seeing is believing
what lies beyond the veil
veiled truth
is veiled lies
in the eye of the beholder
all is but perception

#Writober4

The image for Day 9 on the Pinterest board is another painting by Daniel Richter. This one shows electrified looking human forms falling to earth.

My take: This image makes me think of a terrifying falling dream coming true. You’re suddenly falling from a great height and don’t know when you will land, but you’re sure when you do, you’ll die. It brings to mind the horrible choice to jump from a burning building, or souls descending into eternal damnation. It also makes me think of falling into another dimension. It could also be the opposite: gravity suddenly stops working and nothing holds us to the earth and people float away.

Micro-fiction: James pinched himself, bit his tongue, pulled a nose hair, but he wasn’t asleep, so he couldn’t wake himself up. He had taken his first sip of his morning Americano, burning his tongue, as usual, and then he was here, floating or falling, he couldn’t tell. He thought he was floating, but it could have been an illusion because everyone was falling faster than he was. His mind raced: biblical apocalypse, aliens, the earth stopped rotating? None of those were good for him. He was alone. No more people were falling around him. He felt tingly, light-headed like at the dentist, peaceful, sleepy. He saw stars.

Writing Process and Tools

Hero’s Journey with tarot:

Today, I thought we would look at another plotting technique with the cards (and I found some monster stickers I forgot about, so I’ve got more decorating to do). Two years ago for NaNoWriMo, I got the book Mapping the Hero’s Journey With Tarot: 33 Days To Finish Your Book by Arwen Lynch and went through it step by step.

Recently, I’ve been approaching my short stories as the hero’s journey plot and also finding the Save The Cat! The Last Book on Screenwriting You’ll Ever Need beat sheet a useful plotting tool.

Today, I want to see if these tools will also make my flash stronger. So first, let’s look at our characters. Keeping in mind the image of the figures either falling or rising I pulled:

characters

The first character I pulled was the King of cups. He’s my main character, but when I pulled a card for his past and future, hoping to get an idea of whether he’s falling or floating and why, I pulled two more court cards which made me think more of the figures  were hero’s in my story.

So I drew past and future cards for all three:

characters past and future

This gave me the idea that maybe my main character is rising and the other characters are falling which is a neat idea that I wouldn’t have thought of otherwise. Cool.

Now let’s look at our hero’s journey:

today's hero's journey
1. Ordinary world:Seven of cups
2. Call to Adventure:The Empress
3. Refusal:The Star
4. Mentor:The Tower
5. Crossing the Threshold:Eight of swords
6. Tests, Allies and Enemies: King of wands
7. Inmost Cave:Four of coins
8. Ordeal:Queen of swords
9. Reward:The Lovers
10. The Road Back:Five of wands
11. Resurrection:King of Swords
12. Return:The hermit

We have a lot to work with now. I’m going to write my draft and see if the hero’s journey works for this flash story.

Creepy verbs: abominate, despise, hate, loathe

Story Cubes Symbols: apple, book, drama masks, shooting star, volcano, light bulb, turtle, postcard, cane

Woodland creature: woodpecker

Horror trope: vampires

Oblique Strategies: Look closely at the most embarrassing details and amplify them

 

Happy Reading and Writing!

Z is for zeugma- Poems: Dive in, Creative and Zeugma

reflective flowers close

Today’s new word:

zeugma n. Grammar, Rhetoric. the use of a word to modify or govern two or more words when it is appropriate to only one of them or is appropriate to each but in a different way, as in to wage war and peace or On his fishing trip, he caught three trout and a cold.

National Poetry Writing Month prompt:

Try your hand at a minimalist poem

Writer’s Digest April PAD (poem a day) challenge:

  1. Write a stop poem.
  2. Write a don’t stop poem.

My poems

Take a deep breath and d
                          i
                           v
                            e
                               in



                                    IV
                                    :
                                    ;
                              CREAT      E

 

Zeugma

During National/Global Poetry Writing Month, we wrote words and stanzas, rhythm and rhyme, and culture and community.

 

Reading

Today’s poetry book for inspiration is Conflict Resolution for Holy Beings: Poems by Joy Harjo

Happy Reading and Writing!

Y is for yapok- Poem: Hagridden Again

yapok three

Today’s new word:

yapok n. a semi-aquatic opossum of Central and South America also known as the water opossum. The only living marsupial in which both sexes have pouches.

National Poetry Writing Month prompt:

Write a poem that meditates, from a position of tranquility, on an emotion you have felt powerfully.

Writer’s Digest April PAD (poem a day) challenge:

For today’s prompt, take the phrase “(blank) Again,” replace the blank with a word or phrase, make the new phrase the title of your poem, and then write your poem.

My poem

Hagridden Again

In search of new knowledge,
my perpetual motion,
ambushed by yapok.
A disconcerting combination
of water and land,
of fingered and webbed,
of cute and horrifying.

I contemplate forewarning.
But I am not a gate keeper.
Who am I to impair the stun
of this captivating truth?
Once known, yapoks cannot be unknown,
once seen not unseen,
once imagined, forever a menacing possibility.

I am bewitched by potential,
spellbound by the shiny new tidbits of discovery,
and plunge into inquiry enchanted.
I contemplate a flustering illustration
of its thick tail tightly constricting a branch,
a bewildered bird in its mouth.
I ponder another unsettling engraving
in which it crawls ashore with a discombobulated fish.

In my image it circles you as you work your stoke
like a Labrador preparing a rescue.
In my depiction it perches on your shoulder;
its tail crawls into a coil on your arm;
it gorges on your harrowed head.

Today I am aware of the yapok,
surprised by its revelation,
alarmed by swimming teeth and tails,
mesmerized by adaptation.
I am under the spell of spelling.
Five letters ordered to an unexpected meaning,
leaving me fazed.

Reading

Today’s poetry book for inspiration is The Pushcart Book of Poetry: The Best Poems from Three Decades of the Pushcart Prize by Joan Murray (2009-04-03).

Happy Reading and Writing!

X is for xenium- Poem: Inward and Outward

Close-up of daffodils

Today’s new word:

xenium (plural xenia) n. a present, gift, especially one for a host or vice-versa. a compulsory gift.

National Poetry Writing Month prompt:

“Remix” a Shakespearean sonnet. Here’s all of Shakespeare’s sonnets. You can pick a line you like and use it as the genesis for a new poem. Or make a “word bank” out of a sonnet, and try to build a new poem using the same words (or mostly the same words) as are in the poem.

Writer’s Digest April PAD (poem a day) challenge:

For today’s prompt, pick a direction, make that the title of your poem, and then, write your poem. There are so many directions: north, south, up, down, left, right, over, under, etc. But there are also more specific directions like “Across the Way,” “Through the Woods,” and “Beyond the Clearing.” Or give directions like “Clean Your Room,” “Tie Your Shoes,” or “Get Over Here.”

My poem

Inward and Outward

Plastic-coated self untouched by any
precious xenium though unprovident
impenetrable walls keep out many
voluptuous luxury evident
voice lost in fear and fires of hate
bodies dance vinyl and satin conspire
bouts of cold murderous shame ruinate
ridges of almonds swimming in desire
delicious knowledge but also fear mind
washed with a certain Merlot love
an imperfect actor thinks she is kind
invigorate sweet moments not to prove
how many layers of onion to me
Oh! learn to read the stains you can see

 

Reading

Today’s poetry book for inspiration is The Sonnets and a Lover’s Complaint (Penguin Clothbound Classics).

Happy Reading and Writing!

W is for wamble- Poem: You Come in the Evening

evening

Today’s new word:

wamble v. 1. to move unsteadily. 2. to feel nausea. 3. (of the stomach) to rumble; growl. n. 1. an unsteady or rolling movement. 2. a feeling of nausea.

National Poetry Writing Month prompt:

Write a poem that uses repetition. You can repeat a word, or phrase. You can even repeat an image, perhaps slightly changing or enlarging it from stanza to stanza, to alter its meaning.

Writer’s Digest April PAD (poem a day) challenge:

Write an evening poem. A poem about or during the night. Or take evening a completely different direction and think of evening the score or making things more even (or fair or whatever).

My poem

You Come in the Evening

I wamble toward the evening
after pushing to exhaustion
exhausted muscles slack warm and heavy
heavy lids gather darkness as
darkness gathers along the horizon
horizontal pink and orange candy-floss clouds cling

clinging bits of nature hitch a ride inside
inside I want to fall into the cushions
but cushion that temptation until after a rinse
but before the rinsing waters can cleanse I see you
you wait patiently by the door
the door slides and I lift you to nuzzle at my neck
my neck vibrates with you and the sweat collects your hair
shedding, sticking hair covers me and joins the twigs and grass and leaves
and hairy nature greets the evening softly

the smell of gasoline leads to wamble
you push on into the evening
I let the warm and heavy water
wash the evening into night

Reading

Today’s poetry book for inspiration is The Tradition by Jericho Brown.

Happy Reading and Writing!

V is for green: virid, verdant, veridian, verdigris, verdure, vert Poem: Verdant Exile

commove in pale green

Today’s new word:

There are so many great V words. I may have some fun today along the lines of Margaret Atwood’s A Trio of Tolerable Tales and THE SESAME STREET LIBRARY and write a story about Vesicant Veronica’s vitriolic vitrifaction or Vespoid Vernon’s vespiary.

 

For the present poetry purposes, however, I’ve stuck to the V words that are green:

virid adj. green or verdant

verdant adj 1. green with vegetation; covered with growing plants or grass 2. of the color green 3. inexperienced; unsophisticated

viridian n. a long-lasting, bluish-green pigment, consisting of a hydrated oxide of chromium.

verdigris n. a green or bluish patina formed on copper, brass, or bronze surfaces exposed to the atmosphere for long periods of time, consisting principally of basic copper sulfate.

verdure n. 1. greenness, especially of fresh, flourishing vegetation. 2. green vegetation, especially grass or herbage. 3. freshness in general; flourishing condition; vigor.

vert n. English Forest Law. 1. vegetation bearing green leaves in a forest and capable of serving as a cover for deer. 2. the right to cut such vegetation.
n. Heraldry . the tincture, or color, green.
adj. Heraldry . of the tincture green: a lion vert.

National Poetry Writing Month prompt:

Write a poem that:

  • Is specific to a season
  • Uses imagery that relates to all five senses (sight, sound, taste, touch, and smell)
  • Includes a rhetorical question, (like Keats’ “where are the songs of spring?”)

Writer’s Digest April PAD (poem a day) challenge:

Write an exile poem.

My poem

Verdant Exile

Verdant exile in idyllic, virid splendor
springing and bursting verdure
an umbrella of viridian and vert
a bucolic shunning
far enough from everywhere to be too far
but not quite far enough
shoots like verdigris change the color of days
from gray to green

Does spring tease on purpose?
enticing the sower with warm kisses
then freezing the seedlings in a blanket of frost
or washing them away in muddy rivers from heavy rains
the viridian umbrella has holes
that let the rain through
the wet exile digs again

Reading

Today’s poetry book for inspiration is A Small Story about the Sky by Alberto Rios.

Happy Reading and Writing!

 

U is for ultradian- Poem: Complete SCAMPER

Close-up of the finished spider diva.

Today’s new word:

ultradian adj. Physiology

  1. (of a rhythm or cycle) having a period of recurrence shorter than a day but longer than an hour.

National Poetry Writing Month prompt:

Write a poem that, like “Dictionary Illustrations,” is inspired by a reference book. Locate a dictionary, thesaurus, or encyclopedia, open it at random, and consider the two pages in front of you to be your inspirational playground for the day.

Writer’s Digest April PAD (poem a day) challenge:

Take the phrase “Complete (blank),” replace the blank with a word or phrase, make the new phrase the title of your poem, and then write your poem.

My poem

Complete SCAMPER

Substitute her flippant, unkind words for what she should have said
Combine this delusion with her talking head’s talking points
Adapt to life’s illusion with ultradian reiteration
Modify and magnify this rosy reality
Put those gnawing thoughts to use for the company
Eliminate any creative impulses not for the institution
Reverse and rearrange memories of the lies told to children

Today’s poem was inspired by a page in The Crafter’s Devotional: 365 Days of Tips, Tricks, and Techniques for Unlocking Your Creative Spirit by Barbara R. Call in which she talks about a creative-thinking mnemonic by Bob Eberle.

Reading

Today’s poetry book for inspiration is Winter Road by Louis Jenkins.

Happy Reading and Writing!